“a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.”
(content notes: mentions of sex, suicidal ideation, alcohol)
Desire is about wanting, everything about this self is about wanting. desires keeps me going. desire can be magic.
the magic of staying alive:
I want to live, I want to learn to want to live. I want to learn what I want.
I want so much, and I don’t know yet what or how or why exactly.
Continuing to want, to care about wanting, wishing for the future, is a way of continuing to survive, to exist, to spell myself forward.
I am not a vessel, for others to fill with their own wants, desires, purposes. I want you. I want me. I want to be touched. I want to touch.
Desire is about relating to the needs of my body, to what i am going to do with it. To do things i have to do to keep existing. Desire flows forward to dreaming and making anew.
Wanting to exist, wanting to continue to seek purpose and self in the face of the void, in the face of the despair is just a spell further along the path from wanting to get an a on this paper, wanting to get fucked, wanting to do a shot right now.
All of these little wants, little desires are just a way of meditating, existing, finding out what i am, who i am, how i am. figuring out what bigger spell to cast.
Desire is a path to embodiment, a path of figuring out why and how and where i want to be in my body.
Mapping the specific longings, tracing the contradictions amongst them.
Desire and longing keep me alive.
It is hard to want. It is hard to ache.
To crave bounty and abundance, to know the ways Iam full of abundance, of desire, of creation, of feeling.
I am trying to pin down the specifics of my desires, so I can keep going, can keep trying, can touch little bits and pieces of this vastness inside me, this infinity.
I crave closeness. I crave transcendence. I want to just be in this moment. I want to feel and see and touch beauty. I want to make a difference. I want to experience every single thing. I want magic. I want to know the way everything is magic. I want to create, I want to be co-created.
Desire is magic. Desire means valuing myself, this body ,these dreams. Desire leads to valuing what we can make together and what i can make alone.
This body is capable of so much magic. I am capable of so much magic.
How do we hold desire? How do we hold wanting? How do we use it to drive our magic, our will, our visions, our relationships, our healing?
How do we work with it, when it, for me, desire is so big and so vast and so unrealizable in its totality?
How do I meditate it and still access and touch that empress self, abundant desire?
What are the ways of relating to desire that don’t replicate mind/body dualism, replicate the false belief that desires justify everything and every action?
I believe desire is magic.
I believe desire is full of spells.
I believe desire teaches us how to look on ourselves and the world with love.
I believe desire is so much bigger and deeper and richer and infinite and mysterious and present than what i want to eat right now or the ways i want to bite into you, and that its richness is also just there, in those things, in these real moments.
I believe our bodies can lead us somewhere, if we listen, if we pay attention, if we play.